|
|
|
|
Fun Page |
|
|
The nine jokes below are submitted by Millie |
|
|
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. |
|
|
WOMAN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him." |
|
|
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. |
|
|
MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?" The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here. |
|
|
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she." (Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton :-) |
|
|
HUSBAND V. WIFE A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." |
|
|
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..." The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" |
|
|
A man
said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! " |
|
|
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS" God Bless & Keep Smiling |
|
|
Reasons why the English language is so hard
to learn: 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce. 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10) I did not object to the object. 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13) They were too close to the door to close it. 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? |
|
|
|
|
|
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people: Recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. PS: Why doesn't "buick" rhyme with "quick"? |
|
|
|
|
|
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in |
|
|
|
|
|
Time to Work Your
Brain
Think about these and see if you can get the
right answer! They're tricky.
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to
choose between three rooms. The first is full of
raging fires, the second is full of assassins
with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions
that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds
him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she
hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can
this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water.
How could you put all of this water into a
barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers,
and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you
use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without
using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how
quickly you can find out what is so unusual
about it. It looks so plain you would think
nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is
wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it,
and think about it, but you still may not find
anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you
might find out.
ANSWERS
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three
years are DEAD.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a
picture of her husband, developed it, and hung
it up to dry.
3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs
and put the ice in the barrel. then You can tell
which water came from which jug.
4. The answer is Charcoal.
5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
6. The letter "e", which happen to be the most
common letter in the English language, does NOT
appear even one time in the paragraph.
Now have a good day and be thankful you can
still use your brain every day.
|
|
|
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks
went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir,
sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and
in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap." |
|
|
|
|
| A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!" | |
|
|
|
|
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. "I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!" |
|
|
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said "How soon do you need to know?" |
|
|
THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. |
|
|
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10 oh hell,
send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! Then something is supposed to happen . .. . I think. |
|
|
LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
Memory was something you lost An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano A web was a spider's home A virus was the flu A CD was a bank account A hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And if you had a 3-1/2 inch floppy .. ... you just prayed nobody EVER found out |
|
|
CANADIAN WOMEN ...
Three
men were sitting together bragging
about how they had given their new
wives duties.
Terry
had married a woman from America
He bragged
that he had told his wife she was
going to do all the dishes and house
cleaning that needed done at their
house. He said that it took a couple
days but on the third day he came
home to a clean house and the dishes
were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Australia.
He bragged
that he had given his wife orders
that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes, and the cooking. He told
them that the first day he didn't
see any results, but the next day it
was better. By the third day, his
house was clean, the dishes were
done, and he had a huge dinner on
the table.
The
third man had married a Canadian
girl.
He boasted
that he told her that her duties
were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
washed and hot meals on the table
for every meal. He said the first
day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything,
but by the third day most of the
swelling had gone down and he could
see a little out of his left eye.
Enough to
fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and call a landscaper. God Bless Canadian Women |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
~©2005
Copyright ~ |
|
|
|
|
